By Lisa Mitchell
Q: My 8-year-old daughter leaves soon to visit her Dad. She's a shy child
and she doesn't see him much (he and his new wife live across the country),
so these once-a-year trips cause her some anxiety. How can I help prepare her
for the visit so she can relax and enjoy herself while she's away from home?
It can be agonizing to be faced with the reality that you will not be there
to soothe your daughter if she feels uncomfortable or homesick. As parents,
the most helpful skill we can teach our kids is how to self-soothe by using
tools and strengths that they already have inside.
Help Your Child Recognize Her Feelings
Allow her to describe them and indicate to her that you understand by reflecting
her words back to her. Your job is to validate her feelings, so don’t
judge or get overly concerned.
Develop a List
Once validated, help her make a list of things that she could do to feel calm
and soothed. Since she is shy, you can share this list with her dad and step-mom.
This isn’t a list of “how to make my bad feelings go away.” Rather,
it’s a list of “how I can calm myself when I get anxious” or “what
to do if I feel sad.” The list should include her favorite requests
such as asking for a hug, listening to her favorite song, looking at pictures
of home or asking her dad or step-mom to play a game. At least a few of the
ideas should come directly from her.
Just Imagine!
Another tool for self-soothing and relaxation is guided visualization. Your
daughter’s imagination is in high gear at eight years old, and she
can use it to do amazing things. Have her find a spot in your home where
she feels safe and comfortable. Encourage her to describe all the ways she
feels relaxed, brainstorming with her. Ask her to tune into how her body
feels while she’s comfortable and relaxed. Ask her what colors or images
match her body sensations, such as “blue pool water before anyone dives
in” or “hot cocoa on a camping trip.” She can write this
down or, better yet, draw a picture.
With an external action list, and a picture of her internal experience of
relaxation, your daughter will be more equipped to enjoy her time away.
Lisa Mitchell is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered
Art Therapist with a private practice in Fair Oaks. She is an active
member of the California
Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT). www.TherapistFinder.com
