Letting Go of
Mommy Guilt

By Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile

Amazing but true: We have a knack for feeling guilty over almost anything related to motherhood. Really, you name it, and we’ve felt guilty about it. Leaving a diaper on too long, changing diapers too often. Being late to pick up a kid from a playdate, being early to pick up a kid from a playdate. Buying our children sweets, not buying our children sweets. Enforcing bedtimes, not enforcing bedtimes. Taking time to put ourselves back together, not taking time to put ourselves back together. It’s quite miraculous and very destructive, this ability of ours to feel guilty.

Why is this happening? Some would argue that we’re biologically predisposed to feel guilt. (Erica Jong once wrote, “Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man.”) Personally, we believe our guilt comes from our inflated expectations. Every day, at least in our own heads, we fall short of the goals that we’ve set for ourselves. And that makes us feel bad.

You Feel Guilty about What?!
The first and most important question to ask yourself when you start feeling guilty is, Does my guilt make any sense? Guilt is supposed to be that little voice in our heads telling us that we’ve done something wrong. Sometimes that voice tells us something meaningful (like, Time to get in gear!), and sometimes it doesn’t know when to shut up.

But watch out for feeling guilty over every tiny thing. Isolated guilt over something very particular—say, failing to keep your word to a child—is much more likely to be justified than feeling constant guilt over every item you did (or did not do) that day. Do you worry that checking e-mail while your kids are watching videos is ruining their lives? Do you obsess over serving broccoli as a vegetable five nights in a row?

Take a deep breath, sister. Motherhood is about love, not performance. Let it go.

Ten Easy Steps for (Almost) Guilt-Free Mothering:

1. Take a look at your priorities. Ask yourself if you need to do it all. You just can’t keep your husband, your friends, your children, and yourself happy all the time. There’s just no way.

2. Make sure you’re focusing on the big things (e.g., Am I giving him enough hugs?), and let go of some of the small things that can make you crazy (e.g., Did I get him the right scooter?).

3. Ask yourself these questions:
• Is my guilt appropriate?
• Will I care, or will my child care, about this issue one year from now? Five years from now?
• How does this issue fit into the overall value structure of our family?

4. Start to recognize your personal triggers. Do you have a shorter fuse if you haven’t eaten lunch? Are you impatient if you’ve slept badly?

5. Define yourself by your best moments, not your worst. Find one thing you did do right today, and focus on that.

6. Figure out if your guilt is truly relevant. One Mom’s idea was to do this: every time you feel guilty for an action, replace the word guilt with regret. For example, “I feel guilty for going to exercise class.” Do you regret going to exercise class? If not, then your guilt is unfounded.

7. If your guilt is founded, do what you need to do to make amends and move on. There’s no benefit to beating yourself up.

8. Don’t buy into others’ attempts to make you feel guilty. For example, a friend might ask, “Can your kid really handle being at preschool for so many hours?” Recognize these questions for what they are: attempts to manipulate you.

9. Stick to your limits. Consistently. If your rule is that your kids get thirty minutes of TV per day, allow them thirty minutes, and don’t feel guilty saying no when they ask for more. Learn to accept the fact that you are going to be responsible for many of your children’s tears.

10. Realize that it’s okay to have pleasure without guilt.

From I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. Copyright © 2007 by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. Reprinted by permission from Chronicle Books.

About the Authors
Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile talked to countless moms in writing their funny, candid look at modern motherhood. Their goal? To help us learn to love motherhood as much as we love our kids. Both live in Northern California, Ashworth with her husband and three children and Nobile with her husband and two kids.