Sacramento Parent Magazine

After Miscarriage
Emotional support can help transform grief into hope.

By Krissi Danielsson

I have a very clear memory of a time, about two weeks after my second and hardest loss, of seeing a happy family walking together: a two-year-old, a baby, and a mother who looked about five months pregnant. Why, I wondered, was she a “fertile Myrtle” when I couldn’t even have one child? I wasn’t a bad person, was I? How was it that even drug users and alcoholics could carry healthy babies to term but I couldn’t even get out of the first trimester? I ate healthfully. I exercised. I took care of myself while pregnant. It just wasn’t fair.

Two years later, having conquered the miscarriages, I was walking on a trail near my home with my two-year-old in tow and my belly visibly pregnant. I caught the eye of a woman walking with her partner, and I recognized that look of despair as we briefly made eye contact. She looked away with a steely face and gripped her partner’s hand. That was me, once upon a time. I wanted to grab her, give her a hug, and tell her it was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her to keep trying and keep believing that she’d be holding her child someday, too.

Keep in mind that the woman you’re so envious of, with the toddler and the newborn baby, might have gone through hell to get them. The baby might be adopted. The mother might have been through six rounds of in vitro fertilization and spent $100,000 before she got her miracle.

The important thing is that the other side of this tunnel looks the same to everyone, no matter what the journey is like. Try to spin your thinking so that seeing babies everywhere you look gives you hope. Odds are that one day you’ll be on the other side, too, and, when you are, the women looking at you with envy and sadness won’t be able to see all the hard work it will have taken you to get where you are.

When you wake up each morning in the aftermath of your loss, remember that you are one day closer to the end of your struggle with miscarriages. Every day you wake up is a day closer to the day you hold your baby. It may take time, but time passes. On the day you first meet your baby, all of this waiting and pain will be a memory. And it will have been worth it.

About The Author
Krissi Danielsson and her husband experienced three consecutive miscarriages before their daughter was born. She researched and wrote After Miscarriage to provide the support that she and her partner had so desperately wanted but could not readily find. She is also the miscarriage editor for About.com.

You’re Not Alone
Sharing Parents is a local non-profit support group, offering help and understanding after pregnancy and infant loss. There is no fee to attend meetings. General meetings and Subsequent Pregnancy meetings are held at Mercy Women's Center on Howe Avenue (Suite 530) in Sacramento. You can also call their Listening Line to connect with a volunteer who knows what you’re going through and is there to care: 916-424-5150.

DailyStrength is a free online support group lets you share stories with other women, send e-Hugs to friends, learn the latest information and get inspired daily.